11 Questions, Are You Ready to Get Back in the “Game”?

Woman sitting relaxed in bed

Every day a relationship is ended. And everyday, a new one begins (at least, I’d like to think so). Getting back in the “game” is all about how you perceive yourself…meehhh maybe it’s about 80/20. Do you feel confident enough to let others see you as confident too? Let’s find out…

Are you still wounded from a previous relationship? Is trust still an issue for you? Can you answer “No.” to these questions? Then maybe you are ready to date again! If you feel that you have “healed” from your previous relationship; if your answers were “Yes.” then maybe not. And hey, that’s okay too. Everyone takes their own time to heal – there’s not a clock that you should be watching or a reason that you have to get back in the “game” immediately.

Do you keep yourself “guarded”? Is there a figurative wall that you’re putting up to keep people away from you? A lot of the time people will do this after a particularly long and even an abusive relationship or one that they may have thought was destined to be “the one”. Trusting people is not easy – actually, it’s very easy, but once you’ve been duped you start using your bricks and mortar to build that wall around your heart, hoping no one will ever break it. You begin to speak less, listen more, observe people’s actions and be suspicious of almost everything. Depending of your personality, you can only keep this up for so long and that wall will come down for the right person.

Do you still feel too “insecure” about yourself to move on? Are you putting off dating because you haven’t lost your goal weight…yet? Insecurity is natural, even while in a relationship. There are ways to build confidence. Working out helps…but beauty fades with time. It is smarter to start and stick with the brain. Maybe try seeking professional help or self-help books. There is always more to be learned about yourself, even though you think you could never possibly learn anything else. Try it.

Still waiting for closure?¬†Closure is a very important part of ending a relationship that couples often overlook. Avoiding it can leave an ex feeling lost for many months, or even years. Try to remedy this by confronting your ex. Depending on the state/terms the relationship was left in, it might be easy to sit down and just look at them and have a nice and honest “good-bye” to clear the air. Or if you were unlucky enough to have a messy break up, you might think “better off left alone”. But where’s the closure in that? It could be a phone call, a text message, or a public meeting (to be safe) – to say how you feel, and to say “good-bye” (hopefully all in a very nice way).

Are you comfortable enough in your own skin to show someone else your true self?¬†Jason Vallotton of Moral Evolution, pitches, The more you know yourself, the more of yourself you are able to give to someone else “. Without knowing who you are, your ” ..identity, beliefs, passions, desires, talents, personality traits…” are simply nothing then you simply become a shell for someone else to throw an arm around and walk with. It often happens that when people break up with their significant other they feel so desperately heart broken because that other person became their whole life.¬† This happens a lot to teenagers, which is why so many of us in our late twenties and middle age feel “jaded” or cynical about relationships. You are living your life and you get one chance. It is an amazing thing that you get to share it with another, but if you don’t find a healthy balance between supporting yourself and your life with your significant other – your foundation will crumble and everything will fall down.

Are you lost in the same pattern of choosing the same type of significant other, getting the same results of unhappiness, and blaming yourself for loss? You cannot blame yourself for errors being made – unless you continue to make them. Try taking a different approach. Try taking time for yourself…I know you hear people say that, and it sounds super kooky. But think about the alternative – you would continue to date people who you cross your fingers won’t be like the last, when really the only common denominator here is you. This doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, it may just mean you need some soul-searching time to heal your brain and your heart. Jumping from one mate to the next can be exhausting to you and your partners.

Do you believe in love after love? If you are a recently divorced or widowed individual, it is very important to remember that you are not guilty. This can be a difficult and uncomfortable emotion for someone to express or even grasp; “You’re entitled to your own happiness…if you choose it, that happiness can and should include another love by your side….” Huffington Post’s, Carole Brody Fleet, believes that there can definitely be more than one love of your life; however, some people may never be able to get over the loss of the love of their lives – date or even marry again.

Does baggage weigh you down? Physical, emotional, or mental? Guess what – everyone else does too. “Baggage” has a negative connotation in our Western society, from the day you’re born you will continue to pile it on. It is almost impossible to avoid. People often fear to seek a new relationship after going through hard times because they’re afraid others will judge them harshly and turn away. People may lie/lie by omission to others so they do not have to “put it all out on the table” because they don’t want to ruin the possibility of a good thing and just tell them later…believe me this is the wrong move. People hold honesty almost above all other attributes which they prefer others to have. Putting your baggage “on the table” is a great way to tell if this person is going to: #1. Waste your time, #2. Judge you harshly, or even #3. Be someone you should be willing to give a shot.

Are you happy on your own? As an individual do you have things of your own that fulfill you – a career/job, hobbies, passions, a purpose? Do you have friends of your own that you go out with? Do not try to fill a void, instead, live your life for a time as a strong happy individual before truly deciding that it is time to move on.

Do you know what you are looking for in a person? The typical “Tall, dark, and handsome” may not fall under your ideal significant other. The more you know about the boxes you desire to be checked, the easier it is for you to define the person you’re really looking for. Example: my boxes to be checked about a person who shares the same interests with me (in no particular order) are: music, honesty, intelligence, kindness, no bullshit (meaning they don’t take it), sense of fashion, love of food, compromise, humor, and sexual interests. I learned the hard way that check boxes are utterly important after ending my last relationship in a pretty messy way, realizing that the ex only checked 5 of my boxes. I was seeing a psychologist at my university and I told him I thought I was still in love with one of my other exes. To which he replied, why, and what was I gonna do about it? The psychologist and I both eventually came to understand that I really was no longer in love with this long lost ex, but instead with the things that I loved about him…his humor, his honesty, his love for similar food and music, wanting the same amount of sex in our relationship, and of course his no bullshit attitude. Mr. Psychologist suggested that I make a no-budge list (check boxes), using firm boundaries for my (then) relationship. Needless to say, that relationship failed – and now all of my boxes are currently checked. ;D

Can you make another person happy? You are no longer the same person you were before; your choices and life experiences have changed you. After spending the time to make yourself happy, it’s time to think about whether you’re really ready to make someone else happy too.

So, are you ready? This is a question only you can answer, and as I said before, there is no ticking clock.


Ways to Cope After A Death

Typically we know the 5 stages of grief as: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance (as labeled by most doctors). But are there more? Or infinite?

Some sources say, instead, that there are 7 stages of grief being: shock & denial, pain & guilt, anger & bargaining, depression (reflection & loneliness), the upward turn, reconstruction (working through things), and acceptance & hope. These “stages” are in no way written in stone, just what doctors have observed over time. The human body responds to emotions differently, thus everyone will grieve differently and not necessarily in that order.

So, what should someone going through any type of grieving right now expect in the future? How much longer will they have to carry this weight of loss, this sadness and absence? That’s completely up to them. I don’t quite know if I believe in the saying, “Time heals all wounds” -at least not in this lifetime.

I do believe that death is a part of living and that if a person pushes grieving away time and time again, not allowing themselves to feel, that it is unhealthy. There are many ways that people cope after the death of a loved one.

Coping can be grueling for most, and for some it is out of the question. People sometimes dive head-first into their workload staying as busy as possible – not allowing breathing room for grieving, some go into the deepest of depressions, others are lucky enough to have a strong support system (friends/family/community resources) which help them through everyday.

A big part of coping has to do with allowing yourself to heal. Yourself to rest and taking time to feel. As backwards as this sounds, the death of a loved one, or someone else’s loved one can put you under a lot of stress. Crying, the adrenaline of shock and disbelief that this person is never coming back, maybe even trying to keep your emotions under wraps can be stressful.

When my Grandmother Jane died, we drove 20 hours straight from Florida to Illinois non-stop, we were told that she maybe had a couple more days and my mother knew she needed to be there. Previously, my mom was living with my grandma and grandpa in Illinois for 3 months straight, helping organize the house, doing daily tasks and helping grandma get around. She came home eventually and just a little while later we got the call and started to drive. Unfortunately, we made it a few hours too late. I could tell that people, even family, thought that my mom was making a bigger deal than necessary – crying too much, wanting not to let go of my grandma’s hand, and wanting to be alone with her.

How unfair. I may be biased, but just because Western society says you should cry quietly and be “respectful” of the dead, it doesn’t mean that when your mom dies that it makes it any less heart-wrenching. Especially if you were the only one who didn’t get to say, “good-bye” & “I love you”.

We spent a little bit of time in Illinois for the funeral and things. Looking back on it, it all seemed so thrown together. But I know that I was an outsider looking in. I wasn’t very close with her, and I wish that wasn’t the case.

Mother Nature can be one of the best ways to heal yourself and your mind. The out-of-doors can be a private place for you to mourn, or a public place for everyone to commune. My Grandma Jane loved yellow roses; my mom grows yellow roses in her memory – every time they bloom I think of how my mom copes with her loss.

Before I was born, my mom had a miscarriage, a daughter – Sara. It wrecked her so terribly that she developed postpartum depression. She payed less and less attention to her recent baby, and other child. It was as if she forgot “how to mom”, or maybe didn’t want to anyway. Once we moved into the house that my parents live in now in 2000, she decided she was going to build an “Oasis” in memory of Sara, on their acre of land. My mom has the greenest thumb around and finds so much joy in gardening.

But remember – this is your grief. Your process will not be the same as others. It may be all 5-7 stages in a different order, or it maybe something completely different altogether. One of the most important things to remember is to: Allow yourself to Feel, & Accept your Grief.

Feeling pain might be scary, but if you don’t, you’ll just bottle that up. Finding healthy coping alternatives will head you in a less painful place day by day.

Accepting grief simply means to understand first and foremost that death is a part of life and secondly that likely what’s hurting most is not the act of losing them, but knowing that you have to keep living without them.

As a child, my parent’s bought me a dog. A beautiful Blue Merle Shetland Sheepdog. I was 3, so naturally I named her “Katie’s Bonnie Blue Princess” (officially), or Bonnie (for short). She was cute and let me dress her up and was ever the patient dog when I wanted to play doctor. I told her all of my secrets about boys and about when I was angry at mom & dad or my brothers. We played barbies. As she got older, we slept in the same bed every night, or she would find a quiet place to sleep under a table. She was so soft. I remember once (actually when we moved into that house in 2000), she ran all the way back to the previous house. I suppose she didn’t understand about silly humans wanting a new house. It was one of those moments where you go through about 6 different emotions all at once: confusion, fear, panic, anguish, extreme sadness, and hopelessness. I had no idea where she was and if she was dead or alive. I felt instinctively protective and like I said, absolutely hopeless. I didn’t know where to begin.

Eventually a rich couple and their daughter replied to all of our posters after about 2 weeks of sleepless nights. I remember them pulling up in our driveway in their little red Porsche, and squeezed out. Bonnie came out, happy as ever. I collapsed to my knees, I didn’t think I was ever going to see her again. First they questioned my dad as to whether or not this was really our dog. I was horrified! They’d been holding on to someone else’s dog and now they really wanted to take it back! To which my dad walked a few feet away and called Bonnie to him, she came straight to him, so happy to be in his arms. Their response was, “We’ll give you $1,000. Our daughter really loves this dog.” I’m sorry, but are you fucking kidding me?! What about how much I love MY dog, and how much she loves ME?! Needless to say, my dad said no, and we left them and their Porsche in the driveway and walked back inside the house with Bonnie. ūüôā

Years later, Bonnie was very sick and no one in my family knew what was going on, she would always go to lay in a familiar place for hours; not eating or drinking much. We later found out from the veterinarian that she had ovarian cancer, due to the fact that she was never spayed (Get your animals spayed and neutered, folks). The vet told us that she’d probably been suffering for a long time. That the cancer was in a later stage and that surgery was “pointless” but that we could try it if we liked.

This was the point of no return and it was one of those fine lines between deciding whether euthanasia is a blessing or a horrible thing. Is it a way to take your pet’s pain away? Or is it taking your pet away from you? Is it both? Yes. But in this case what is the real point? Making sure they don’t suffer any longer than necessary. Bonnie was a fucking trooper. She wasn’t even showing signs of pain; everything seemed to be so normal. And the next day, my dad carried her home in his arms and we buried her in an area of the back yard where she laid and liked to sun. I wrote and read a poem and we put a little walking stone over her grave as an impromptu “head stone”.

People don’t often compare the deaths of humans to animals. Dogs, cats, birds…iguanas. And I’m sure that as with every death we go through – human or animal – we grieve differently. Lots of people mourn in private or in silence for their animals because it isn’t widely accepted to grieve for a pet. Although, when you think about it – usually, the pets we are mourning for are the ones that have seen us through it all (even listened to our secrets) and comforted us with unconditional love.

“Time can bring you down, time can bend your knees Time can break your heart,have you begging please, begging please. Beyond the door there’s peace I’m sure and I know there’ll be no more tears in heaven “- Eric Clapton Tears in Heaven – in memory of his son, Connor Clapton.

You Have to Start Somewhere, Start with Yourself.

But first. Coffee.

I’ve learned along my life, albeit not a long one, that when you’re having crisis you must first look within.

Example: a bad relationship: consider the fact that although you DO indeed deserve to be 100% happy, you may be part of the problem.

Step back to take in the larger picture that is life. Paint with your mind something better for yourself. Once you have an idea of what you want for yourself- what you deserve-then who is stopping you from getting it? Answer: Only yourself.

Only YOU can choose to make a change for yourself. Sometimes it takes a change in your path in life, sometimes it takes seeing yourself at your lowest of lows. No matter what it takes, no matter how many people keep telling you the same thing over and over, the bell will never chime as clearly as when you speak the words yourself and hear them echo inside your head and want the difference from within your being. Whatever that change may be.

There are degrees of “change” that people think others should change about themselves, although truly what should and should not be done for another person is up to them. Things like:

  • curtailing smoking cigarettes
  • stopping the abuse of alcohol
  • “be” less depressed
  • be more cleanly
  • not as lazy
  • loose weight
  • workout more
  • better work ethic
  • more respect for authority
  • loving specific people or things (having a better family relationship)
  • appreciating the things that you like (bias)
  • ….and the list goes on…

People cannot be who you want them to; if they are going to better themselves they must take the first step. If you are the person hoping to help another who seems to want to better themselves, maybe encourage them to seek professional help or to read self help books. Maybe even my blog. First steps are always the hardest. Try to put yourself in their shoes, that isn’t easy either.

On the other hand, if you are the person trying to find motivation to do any of the above things or many others; first congratulate yourself for taking not just the first step towards getting here, but multiple steps on your way towards bettering yourself. You took time out of your day to get this far. It isn’t easy, and believe me- I know.

Bettering yourself, however you define that, is a journey and it will take time and patience (definitely not a get-rich-quick scheme). If you didn’t notice a lot of the bullet points I listed aren’t necessarily physical “bad habits” -some are- but most of them have to do with self-awareness and how it effects your emotions.

Without a healthy sense of self-awareness, a person does become depressed, lazy, unhealthy maybe even anxiety ridden. Those who love and care about you try to help, but it feels like they are doing everything wrong; that they don’t understand. At times it may make you mad because all you want to be is sad.

And you know what, that’s fair. Sad is an emotion too. It needs it’s 15 minutes; because if it doesn’t and you wind up bottling it up you will repress everything until you explode. Let sad be sad for a little while, but please, let the happy shine through.

If you don’t and you don’t open your ears and your mind to what resources are available to you, you will not find your happiness. Guess who that hurts the most?

Take the time to make time for yourself. Literally, schedule “Me Time” in your planner, agenda, write it on your hand, in your head – whatever it takes so that you make time for yourself. The goal of this is to know that throughout all of the people and their signs, “You’re #1“, “You’re the Most Important Person in Your Life” don’t gloss over that with a temporary smile and a feeling of, “Yeah right, there are bigger things to worry about.”

If you don’t worry about yourself who’s going to?

Make time for your life. You deserve to…

…now go have a foot bath and some wine.

I’m Drowning.

On my second cup of coffee¬†at¬†1:54 pm. I don’t even know what I¬†am doing here¬†any more. There are times I get lost in the music I listen to or Netflix, but truly, I am chasing – running away from the thoughts that leave me cold and empty. Mundane things like organizing, and reading are no longer tasks that bring me joy because my mind flows towards darker places.

It’s silly, I think, that I’ve held on. I should just put it out of my mind and move on. I am no longer motivated to do the things that need to be done and I want to resort to uglier ideas.

There is a plant on my desk that has no water. I can see the life being drained from it daily; it dies along with my heart. As much as I think to water it every day, I look at it and then look at myself and am just glad that I am getting out of bed. I can at least check one thing off of my list.

I look at my tassel from my cap and I don’t feel overwhelmed or proud. It brings no sense of accomplishment because the bigger part of me that was there, the part that I took for granted the entire time, is now gone.

I look out my window and wonder if I’ll ever get another chance to make things right. It hurts my heart to know that I hurt someone else – and that this is not the first time.

I’m drowning in my emotions, but my insides feel like they have been carved out.

Obligatory Daily Update: 564

Let me get my wine…

I didn’t quite have a plan for today’s post. Boyfriend surprised me when I woke up later than usual (10:30am) and shook him awake.

Me: “Aren’t you going to be late for work?!”

Boyfriend: “Nope.”

Me: “But, it’s after 10:30!?”

Boyfriend: “I put in for PTO.” He shut his eyes and snuggled back into his pillow and firmly suggested I make breakfast.

I was both relieved and annoyed at the same time. My days alone at home are…lonely. Also filled with rage towards Puppy – whose sole purpose is to reign terror on any living thing (including Boyfriend, Herman and I), as well as walls, light switches, furniture, and well all inanimate objects – you get the point.

Since Boyfriend had today off, that meant that we were in for a day of gaming. Days off =Game Time. I don’t blame him or hold any type of resentment towards him for it; he has a soul-sucking job and our duties around the house are split mostly fifty-fifty. He just assumes that he’s the one who is supposed to empty the cat box, which I am NOT complaining about, and I will keep my mouth shut – by the way. So, when weekends come around, he shouldn’t (and probably doesn’t) have any guilt about playing games from dawn to dusk.

So today was Game Time, although a very different one.

I got us some coffee, “made” bagels (if you can call it that), and sat down with the fullest of intentions to write you a much better post than yesterday. Better ideas, a better outline, and one with an overall better texture…then…I waited for the coffee to kick in and the ideas to flow. And you know what? Not much really happened. So we went about our daily tasks, and fell into the “game time” day routine where we just sit and game all day. I hoped to manipulate it into some sort of post. ūüėČ

He heard about a show, Hi Score Girl, coming out on Netflix, as a Netflix Original even. We binge watched straight through it. Ha ha. It didn’t take too awfully long and was extremely enjoyable to watch as a couple.

After which, we watched some YouTube and ate pizza. Today was a bit different because although Boyfriend was off and it was reasonable to think that he would want to game all day, we’ve mostly just been watching Twitch streams, watching other people play through games, and he literally just turned on an R. Kelly documentary “Surviving R. Kelly”.

Don’t get me wrong, he is playing a game at the SAME time on his Switch. He just wants to be able to play, watch, and also hear something else at the same time. There can never be too many screens!

Because of his schedule, he also has tomorrow off. Go figure – he’d take today off, before his actual day off. Although today was different, tomorrow might see a little more actual game time.

Well, I’m out of wine and apparently there six episodes of this R. Kelly documentary…we just started #2.

Talk to you tomorrow.

At Peak Performance

Get your coffee…

I watched a YouTube video about two girls who got plastic surgery. I would encourage you to also watch this video because this article is based off of it…obviously. The link is at the bottom.

This piece captured by Broadly.com, published on December, 6th 2018, mentions two girls – Marla and Zamirah – who both have unrealistic expectations of their natural noses.

Marla works for Yelp and is a dedicated Facetune user on Instagram with 1,071 followers. Marla says the perfect shot (after facetune) will insure great connections with people. Marla says she’s “tired” and that her “back hurts from editing” her photos…that it brings her anxiety.

“I might as well get the real surgery to become the image that I really want to portray”

Marla has already had past surgeries to “balance” out her face.

“I got my lips done in the first place to balance out my large nose because I wasn’t ready to get the rhinoplasty.”

Broadly. shows Marla and her friends having a night out talking specifically about things like Instagram and Facetune. They seem to disagree with her on how wonderful it can be. One friend saying, they do not like Facetune because “when someone sees you in real life, [they realize] you don’t look like that…” Another friend going so far as to say that Instagram makes her feel bad about herself because she doesn’t look like all of the other girls, and that’s why she’s deleted hers.

Marla says that it has become a “downward spiral,” where there is “instant gratification once you use facetune…it’s addictive.”

Dr. Lara Devgan, Plastic & Reconstructive Surgeon says, “Five or ten years ago people might have brought in pictures of a magazine cover or a supermodel. Now they’re bringing in a picture of themselves, but just in a slightly optimized way, where Facetune or a Snapchat filter will give them a millimeter more of a cheek bone projection or a fuller lip or a straighter nose. It represents a healthier version of body image.”

19 year-old Zamirah, wishes she could change her “perception and not feel this way” about her nose and the way she feels about her looks, but she doesn’t think she will.

“…just because I’m insecure with the way I look, part of the reason I want the surgery is so that I can take nicer pictures, and be proud of them…I think the only way to do that is to either get my nose filled or like surgery itself.”

Zamirah’s doctor, Dr. Dara Liotta, Facial Plastic Surgeon, says, “the ability [for] us to manipulate our photos gives people a clearer idea on what exactly they want to change.”

For initial pictures and evaluation, Zamirah and her mother go to Dr. Liotta’s office and find that although Zamirah is psyched to get her nose “done” her mother is not. Her mother says that she also had a “bump” on the bridge of her nose when she was her daughter’s age.

“I am sure that in time it will change; I really wish she liked the nose she had, because I think it’s perfect.”

Before going into surgery, after Zamirah is all prepped, Dr. Loitta has a bit of prepping of her own to do. Dr. Loitta calms Zamirah’s mother by telling her: Zamirah really needs the functional component of the surgery as well. Meaning that Zamirah’s deviated septum will be fixed, she will breathe better, and that it will benefit her sinuses. Needless to say, Zamirah’s mother didn’t look too convinced.

Marla decided to have a non-surgical rhinoplasty preformed by aforementioned, Dr. Lara Devgan. Non-surgical rhinoplasty is a medical procedure which allows the doctor to “fill” the nose with acids and calcium to alter and shape the nose without invasive surgery.

“…that’s what my nose looks like when I use Facetune! You just gave me what I’ve been giving myself…”

Marla and Dr. Devgan compare before and after pictures, and Marla says now she feels very confident and ready to answer her DMs.

Zamirah is “feeling better” about herself. She doesn’t want to write off getting plastic surgery in 10 or 15 years, but hey – who knows – and her pictures are just how she wants them.

The very last clip of Broadly.’s piece was Marla talking about how she was very happy with the result, but that she would still edit her photos.

Now, first I want you to understand that the piece that Broadly. did was just straight up “facts first”; something I was taught to do a long time ago when I studied journalism. A rule that many of us do not stick to as bloggers. Our opinions flow from our fingertips like virtual vomit. I’ll admit it, a lot of the times we just cannot help ourselves. However, Broadly. did a very good job at representing what these ladies wanted, did and how they felt, without putting any of their own two cents in. So…Good on you Broadly.

Secondly, I am glad that they did do this piece so that everyone could see it. I was reading the comment section and I saw some very negative reactions; and whereas I lean more towards a negative feeling about what these young women did to themselves, I sure am glad it was documented. At times like these, “pics or it didn’t happen” is the rule the Millennials live by, right? I have to imagine the same applies to filming something on camera for a documentary. The fact really is, that spreading awareness has always been the case – throughout all of our pasts. Either it’s standing up for what you believe in, or showing what is going on (or what can happen).

Whether Broadly. wanted to or not, they were just showing a “news” piece on some girls who were doing their “thing”, and I think it turned out to be (or will turn out eventually to be) a piece about what exactly it takes for women in our society to feel “beautiful”, “accepted”, “wanted”, “stunning”. All of this has to do with becoming happy. Unfortunately.

Look at those ladies. They’re gorgeous. And they were gorgeous before they had any work done.

Because I do, I’ll play Devil’s Advocate here. I think it is totally appropriate to put the shoe on the other foot, and see through someone else’s eyes: If what makes you entirely happy is getting all of the plastic surgery you can hardly stand (as long as you are not endangering yourself) then make yourself happy. Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder. Who am I to be judging you? The only caveat being something along the lines of what Zamirah said earlier:

“I hope I’ll gain more confidence…” “…I’m insecure…”

Honey, if you’re changing your outside to build up your inside, you’re coming at it from the wrong angle. Change and confidence begin from within. Only when you’re satisfied with your mental stability will you feel comfortable with the skin that you’re in.

To every person on this Earth, you are GORGEOUS – just the way you are. Please don’t change one thing about yourself.


Adulting: The Second Puberty?

¬† ¬† ¬† Please, we already had to deal with enough going through our first puberty. ¬†No one told us about a second puberty! I wasn’t prepared for this. ¬†It snuck up on me like a cold front in the middle of summer.

During our first puberty, there were the memorable classics of our voice adjustments, practical overnight growth spurts, hair…need I say more?? And of course, our ever-growing sexual curiosity.

This “second puberty” I find sometimes chooses to continues the previous puberty…more & more hair, again a shifting in voice register (but only at random and inconvenient times of course; i.e., the day before or of an interview, etc…). ¬†I have known guys who have gone through two-three growth spurts during their lives, the last into their 20’s and being in such pain from the muscle & bone growth at that age. (I can’t imagine, I am only 4″ 11′). ¬†Lastly, I imagine sexual curiosity matures with age ūüėČ .

However, there are differences that the majority of us did not encounter during our first puberty of which we are now all too familiar.

  • Wrinkles for NO reason! (…let’s call them “laugh lines”)
  • Aches & pains after only 20+ years? ¬†WHY?!?
  • Taking forever to gradually climb out of bed.
  • Sometimes too busy to satisfy our sexual curiosity.
  • Stretching has become part of the necessary morning routine – otherwise, yer fucked.
  • Body parts crack for no reason as well, and if I don’t crack them it drives me nutso!
  • I’ve started using creams and lotions; nightly face cream, moisturizer, & pain reliever.
  • My skin is a whole different animal than it was 5-10 years ago. It decides when to break out and where…even though I already have face wash and preventative acne medication that took me 5-10 years to perfect. I think my epidermis is finally figuring out it isn’t as invincible as it thought it was. ¬†It makes me feel unprofessional and like a teenager again; can’t we just get in the same boat for once?!?
  • ¬†Don’t even get me started on the weight that I have gained and not been able to loose lately. ¬†I feel like I’m pretty new to this whole “Adulting” thing, but I think that’s because in my head I feel as if I’m still 21. I actually have to think for a moment when someone asks my age. Eating is one of my favorite activities, not because I’m the laziest person ever and can’t/won’t do anything else, but because I have a very precise palate – I love the taste. I love to eat and unfortunately pay the price. ¬†My “freshman15” turned into my “college40”. ¬†This wouldn’t be as big a deal if say I were still a freshman, with maybe a higher metabolism, yet here I am, 30+ lbs later unable to loose the weight as easily. Our bodies onto tidbits.
  • One of the biggest situations I am having troubles with currently is my circadian rhythm being completely flip-flopped! For a while I thought it was – again – just me being lazy, but no, it turns out that this is normal and that typically during this phase in a human’s life they are more apt to stay awake during the nights and sleep more during the daytime. I am tired ALL the time! I want my other half a day back!!
  • One other thing I found was having zero¬†control over your body temperature! It’s almost pre-menopausal sounding, (and that’s scary)! It feels so true too. There are times when I am freezing when everyone else is comfortable, or hot. Other times when I am trying to peel off my skin and adjusting the thermostat as low as possible, others complain that I was just cold!! Which is so true.

What the fuck life?

When does this end? When do we get to just be old like we agreed to in the first place?

Is this “second puberty” the longest phase in a human’s life? I think it truly depends on the human. As I mentioned earlier, I still mentally feel as though I am 21 or so, although I am 27. ¬†I think it is fair to say that our “second puberty” ends when “middle-age” begins (I know nothing about that, so I’m going to take a liberal guess). Please feel free to correct me. My guess is that the Adulting phase starts around 21, ending around 45.

¬† ¬† ¬† This “second puberty” is a natural cycle of a human’s life. ¬†Why is it that people are recently having such a hard time accepting what comes with life?

Internal Conflict

“To be or not to be”. Something like that, right? The internal struggle will¬†always be the hardest one. It is much easier to tell someone else what they should do, or what you think is “right” for them to do, than to make the choice yourself – when you have no one to¬†ask – no one to validate your ideas it becomes infinitely harder.

I’ve found over the years that those “seeking¬†advice”¬†are usually just seeking validation to their issues without realizing it. Wanting¬†another to only¬†agree with you is not,¬†and maybe even the opposite of¬†advice. ¬†Someone who gives¬†advice/counsels properly is there to listen to a¬†person¬†and give their honest feedback after analyzing the body language, and communication of said person.

Seeking advice from a friend/family member is a common move, but it is not one that could benefit relationships of any kind. Internal conflicts lead to conversations with those trusted friends and family members, who may not necessarily know what “should be or should not be”…since that is the question...

Of course, I would suggest to seek professional help. I do advise to do so if you are having such internal conflict that you are stressed to no end, that you find it hard to motivate yourself, if you have troubles reaching out, no support system, and/or cannot envision goals for yourself. These are common everyday issues that perfectly healthy people begin to find themselves encompassed by.

You seeking professional help for something that you may feel is “mundane” has a statistically high likely hood; why don’t you leave that up to the professionals ūüôā .

Be Well.