Typically we know the 5 stages of grief as: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance (as labeled by most doctors). But are there more? Or infinite?
Some sources say, instead, that there are 7 stages of grief being: shock & denial, pain & guilt, anger & bargaining, depression (reflection & loneliness), the upward turn, reconstruction (working through things), and acceptance & hope. These “stages” are in no way written in stone, just what doctors have observed over time. The human body responds to emotions differently, thus everyone will grieve differently and not necessarily in that order.
So, what should someone going through any type of grieving right now expect in the future? How much longer will they have to carry this weight of loss, this sadness and absence? That’s completely up to them. I don’t quite know if I believe in the saying, “Time heals all wounds” -at least not in this lifetime.
I do believe that death is a part of living and that if a person pushes grieving away time and time again, not allowing themselves to feel, that it is unhealthy. There are many ways that people cope after the death of a loved one.
Coping can be grueling for most, and for some it is out of the question. People sometimes dive head-first into their workload staying as busy as possible – not allowing breathing room for grieving, some go into the deepest of depressions, others are lucky enough to have a strong support system (friends/family/community resources) which help them through everyday.
A big part of coping has to do with allowing yourself to heal. Yourself to rest and taking time to feel. As backwards as this sounds, the death of a loved one, or someone else’s loved one can put you under a lot of stress. Crying, the adrenaline of shock and disbelief that this person is never coming back, maybe even trying to keep your emotions under wraps can be stressful.
When my Grandmother Jane died, we drove 20 hours straight from Florida to Illinois non-stop, we were told that she maybe had a couple more days and my mother knew she needed to be there. Previously, my mom was living with my grandma and grandpa in Illinois for 3 months straight, helping organize the house, doing daily tasks and helping grandma get around. She came home eventually and just a little while later we got the call and started to drive. Unfortunately, we made it a few hours too late. I could tell that people, even family, thought that my mom was making a bigger deal than necessary – crying too much, wanting not to let go of my grandma’s hand, and wanting to be alone with her.
How unfair. I may be biased, but just because Western society says you should cry quietly and be “respectful” of the dead, it doesn’t mean that when your mom dies that it makes it any less heart-wrenching. Especially if you were the only one who didn’t get to say, “good-bye” & “I love you”.
We spent a little bit of time in Illinois for the funeral and things. Looking back on it, it all seemed so thrown together. But I know that I was an outsider looking in. I wasn’t very close with her, and I wish that wasn’t the case.
Mother Nature can be one of the best ways to heal yourself and your mind. The out-of-doors can be a private place for you to mourn, or a public place for everyone to commune. My Grandma Jane loved yellow roses; my mom grows yellow roses in her memory – every time they bloom I think of how my mom copes with her loss.
Before I was born, my mom had a miscarriage, a daughter – Sara. It wrecked her so terribly that she developed postpartum depression. She payed less and less attention to her recent baby, and other child. It was as if she forgot “how to mom”, or maybe didn’t want to anyway. Once we moved into the house that my parents live in now in 2000, she decided she was going to build an “Oasis” in memory of Sara, on their acre of land. My mom has the greenest thumb around and finds so much joy in gardening.
But remember – this is your grief. Your process will not be the same as others. It may be all 5-7 stages in a different order, or it maybe something completely different altogether. One of the most important things to remember is to: Allow yourself to Feel, & Accept your Grief.
Feeling pain might be scary, but if you don’t, you’ll just bottle that up. Finding healthy coping alternatives will head you in a less painful place day by day.
Accepting grief simply means to understand first and foremost that death is a part of life and secondly that likely what’s hurting most is not the act of losing them, but knowing that you have to keep living without them.
As a child, my parent’s bought me a dog. A beautiful Blue Merle Shetland Sheepdog. I was 3, so naturally I named her “Katie’s Bonnie Blue Princess” (officially), or Bonnie (for short). She was cute and let me dress her up and was ever the patient dog when I wanted to play doctor. I told her all of my secrets about boys and about when I was angry at mom & dad or my brothers. We played barbies. As she got older, we slept in the same bed every night, or she would find a quiet place to sleep under a table. She was so soft. I remember once (actually when we moved into that house in 2000), she ran all the way back to the previous house. I suppose she didn’t understand about silly humans wanting a new house. It was one of those moments where you go through about 6 different emotions all at once: confusion, fear, panic, anguish, extreme sadness, and hopelessness. I had no idea where she was and if she was dead or alive. I felt instinctively protective and like I said, absolutely hopeless. I didn’t know where to begin.
Eventually a rich couple and their daughter replied to all of our posters after about 2 weeks of sleepless nights. I remember them pulling up in our driveway in their little red Porsche, and squeezed out. Bonnie came out, happy as ever. I collapsed to my knees, I didn’t think I was ever going to see her again. First they questioned my dad as to whether or not this was really our dog. I was horrified! They’d been holding on to someone else’s dog and now they really wanted to take it back! To which my dad walked a few feet away and called Bonnie to him, she came straight to him, so happy to be in his arms. Their response was, “We’ll give you $1,000. Our daughter really loves this dog.” I’m sorry, but are you fucking kidding me?! What about how much I love MY dog, and how much she loves ME?! Needless to say, my dad said no, and we left them and their Porsche in the driveway and walked back inside the house with Bonnie. 🙂
Years later, Bonnie was very sick and no one in my family knew what was going on, she would always go to lay in a familiar place for hours; not eating or drinking much. We later found out from the veterinarian that she had ovarian cancer, due to the fact that she was never spayed (Get your animals spayed and neutered, folks). The vet told us that she’d probably been suffering for a long time. That the cancer was in a later stage and that surgery was “pointless” but that we could try it if we liked.
This was the point of no return and it was one of those fine lines between deciding whether euthanasia is a blessing or a horrible thing. Is it a way to take your pet’s pain away? Or is it taking your pet away from you? Is it both? Yes. But in this case what is the real point? Making sure they don’t suffer any longer than necessary. Bonnie was a fucking trooper. She wasn’t even showing signs of pain; everything seemed to be so normal. And the next day, my dad carried her home in his arms and we buried her in an area of the back yard where she laid and liked to sun. I wrote and read a poem and we put a little walking stone over her grave as an impromptu “head stone”.
People don’t often compare the deaths of humans to animals. Dogs, cats, birds…iguanas. And I’m sure that as with every death we go through – human or animal – we grieve differently. Lots of people mourn in private or in silence for their animals because it isn’t widely accepted to grieve for a pet. Although, when you think about it – usually, the pets we are mourning for are the ones that have seen us through it all (even listened to our secrets) and comforted us with unconditional love.
“Time can bring you down, time can bend your knees Time can break your heart,have you begging please, begging please. Beyond the door there’s peace I’m sure and I know there’ll be no more tears in heaven “- Eric Clapton Tears in Heaven – in memory of his son, Connor Clapton.
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